Different Journeys

The simplest statements are sometimes the hardest to remember. A good example is the simple yet true statement, Alzheimer’s disease affects people differently. Each individual with dementia experiences a different journey through the disease as well as the very different journeys taken by family members and friends. Dementia seems to bring out drama in every family. The bad part about this drama is that it can cause feelings to be hurt, which can be detrimental to relationships. However, if we reframe the negative situation there can be a positive side. The positive is that most of the time everyone’s goal is to give the loved one the best care possible. Most arguments stem from care partners disagreeing on the way to give the best care to the loved instead of realizing the common goal. Listed below are some helpful hints at getting the whole care partnering team on the same page.

• Schedule a family meeting. Whether by conference call or in person, schedule a time to meet with all of the care partners, even those from out of town, to discuss needs.

• Write an agenda. Write down two are three things to discuss during the meeting. Try not to make the list overwhelming because it may take a while to discuss each concern.

• Do as much listening as talking. Taking the conversation slow can alleviate the likely of the conversation escalating to an argument. Take time to truly listen and then process what you heard, after you process then formulate your response. This method may be uncomfortable at first but in insures that everyone says everything they want and no one is cut short.

• Be specific about goals. Have an idea beforehand about which concerns you would like to discuss. For example on your list you may have written “finances – POA” when introducing this topic state your goal is to specifically name your loved one’s power of attorney. In another instance if you are asking for direct help you might specifically say you need help grocery shopping.

• Divide and conquer. Split up the labor among those present at the meeting by dividing based on expertise. For instance, if there is a family member who manages money well, let this person handle the financial issues. Be sure to include even the care partners at a distance, they may be able to do something like offer money for a housekeeper.

• Any little bit helps. Keep this mentality throughout the meeting and even after the meeting. It is not likely that everyone will feel that everything worked out equally but, any little bit helps.

• Revisit. At the scheduled meeting, schedule the next meeting based on the loved one’s needs. The care needed will change, therefore the care partners will change and subsequently the care plan will have to change. Revisit issues to give updates and make changes as needed. 

Care partner meetings can be meddling in tricky dynamics among family members and friends. Everyone holds on to old feelings both good and bad. However, the most important thing to remember is your goal, your loved one. This meeting has nothing to do with the care partners’ relationship but everything to do with the care provided to the loved one. Setting ground rules, such as taking the conversation very slow as to give everyone time to listen and process, may help in avoiding disagreements. If all else fails, family mediation is an option to assist in keeping the care of the loved one the one and only goal. Communication is the key to giving your loved one the care they deserve. We are all on different journeys but everyone’s goal is the well being of the loved one.