Watching my first-born son hold his first-born son last October remains a poignant mental photograph that I will long carry with me. Hearing the words my son spoke that night was even more everlasting.
As he held my very first grandchild, only a few hours old, he looked at me and said, “Mom, just think, he is totally dependant on us…..24/7!”
Through my tears of joy I could only muster a smile and a nod of my head. Totally dependent, I thought. My son and his wife now joined the ranks of very important caregivers.
24/7. That’s a huge responsibility! Like having a small infant or child, caregivers of Alzheimer’s patients know all too well the reality of the unending days that oftentimes offer no relief, because their loved one is totally dependant on them.
But, perhaps, just as I savored that moment watching my son with his newborn, very important caregivers can find some joy in living the moment, too.
In his book, The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle writes, “When you are present, you can allow the mind to be as it is without getting entangled in it.” All through the book Tolle stresses to his readers the importance of living the now…the present moment. “Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”
Tolle makes a lot of sense. All we really have is the moment. When it's gone we can never retrieve it. That’s why caregiving can be somewhat easier if the caregiver just lives in the present moment with their loved one. Trying to get their loved one to remember things is a senseless struggle, which can bring about much anxiety and often aggression in an individual with Alzheimer’s. Leave the past in the past. Any guilt and/or regrets on what the caregiver and/or Alzheimer’s patient could’ve/would’ve done only cloud the present moment. And, anxiety about things to come only evokes worry and a whole lot of unnecessary stress.
So, what's important in your life and the life of your loved one? Did your loved one enjoy a nice ride in the car on one of these beautiful Spring days? Did you laugh together at mealtime, or share in the joy of visiting other family members and/or friends? Are you spending your time and energy on those very special moments? What does it matter that your loved one will not remember what you did in a few hours or the next day? Just for that moment, you were in that special place with him/her, and both of you were totally free of any entanglement. And, tomorrow is another day. We cannot forecast the turn of another day, so try to put away all anxious thoughts and worries. The real joy is in the present moment.
Instead of thinking of that seemingly hopeless image of 24/7 and the total dependence your loved one has on you, try being in the now. Living one day-one moment- at a time, doing the things you and your loved one enjoy, things that bring meaning and fulfillment to your lives renders a fresh start at every moment.
-Dana Territo
