On Long Distance Caregiving

It was a great relief to know my sister moved in with my mom to care for her as mom’s Alzheimer’s is advancing. It was and still is an adjustment for both of them as well as my developmentally challenged brother who lives there also. I visited after Christmas and was able to help my sister understand the strategies of caring for an Alzheimer’s affected individual and guiding her to allow my mom as much independence as possible. We had bought mom a new lift chair for her birthday as getting up was becoming difficult for her. She had a hard time understanding why the button to raise her feet said “down”. My sister patiently tried to explain that the “up” button would raise her up to stand. I explained that mom probably would never “learn” this new function and to label the button for her to say “feet up”. It was a simple solution that worked for mom and ended her frustration. My sister was trying to be a perfect daughter and do everything for mom while mom kept asking, “Am I supposed to be doing something?” I coached my sister on giving mom things to do that would engage her in the activity. She didn’t have to prepare a whole meal but could set the table. She didn’t need to do the laundry in the basement but could easily help fold the laundry. She resents her finances being handled by her children so I coached my sister to oversee her; allow her to write what checks needed to be written and assure they were entered in the checkbook register. It gave my mother a feeling of power over her own funds.

My sister felt so discouraged because she thought she was doing everything right by doing everything. She didn’t realize that caring for an Alzheimer’s affected person doesn’t necessarily come naturally. She needs to learn to pace herself, take time for herself, let mom do what can for herself, and to take time to enjoy the journey together. I know there will be many calls and questions from my sister and I’ll be happy to answer them as knowing she is there for mom gives me such peace of mind.