As a long distance caregiver I struggle with many challenges, even with 7 brothers and sisters to help with my mother’s care. My mom fell in April for no apparent reason. After four days in the hospital the doctors could find no neurological reason and no real physical damage. But a four day stay in the hospital had a huge impact on my mom. She lost 25 pounds that week and was weak after lying in a bed for four days. I cried when my sister described her crawling up the stairs to her bed when they came home. It broke my heart to imagine the scene … this vibrant pillar of a woman who just 3 years ago was hiking in Northern Canada at age 84.
I knew I had to make the trip to see her and could not delay any longer. I made plans to visit for Mother’s Day and invited my daughter, Maureen, so we could all celebrate this special day together. It was a shock to see mom had shrunk. Her height had always towered mine yet now I am 2 inches taller than her. Her clothes hung on her diminished frame yet her feet were so swollen she could only wear slippers. I was afraid to hug her too hard but wanted to hold her in my arms forever. I had four short days to spend with her and help my sister who is her main caregiver.
Mom’s balance was “off” due to her weakened state and loss of weight yet she fought using a walker or cane. She insists she doesn’t need her bedroom moved to the first floor. I was relieved that she allowed me to have an additional railing installed on the stair well so she has adequate support … for now. How long will it be enough?
I anticipated Mother’s Day starting out with Mass and brunch with the family but was heartbroken to hear mom say she wouldn’t be going to church. Church was her life, the parish secretary had just requested her bio for a feature they wanted to do on her. The Bishop’s Committee had recently recognized her for 50 years of service. When I reminded her of the award she looked confused and asked, “What’s Bishop’s Committee?” So … the whole family gathered to celebrate the day and the matriarch, 5 of the 8 children and spouses, grandchildren and great-grandchildren filled the house. She was surrounded by family and for the most part could remember almost everyone. This was her element … family …she loved being surrounded by them and thrived on their presence but after an hour I could see the confusion in her face and knew it was exhausting her. We sat quietly that evening, Maureen, myself and Mom piecing together a puzzle over light conversation. She didn’t remember everyone being there that afternoon.
We saw the Neurologist Monday afternoon after dropping Maureen at the airport. Mom lost another point on her memory screening. The doctor had not received her records from the hospital. We discussed her medications and considered changing to the Aricept 23 but were told the insurance wouldn’t cover it. If we chose to pay privately it could cost several hundred dollars per month. I asked for an extension on her physical therapy as she was still weak after the hospital stay. The swelling in her feet and ankles remained a problem but isn’t going away. The compression stockings were still her best defense. The doctor renewed her prescriptions and we left hoping she wasn’t too tired to shop for shoes that would fit her feet and offer her a solid foundation. We managed to find 2 pair and even got a compression stocking aid to help her get them on. Anyone who has ever had to use them will know what a struggle this can be!
So for 2 more days we cooked and cleaned and talked. She was not happy that we put so much in piles for a garage sale but knowing she wouldn’t remember in a few minutes we kept on. It was obvious she was growing stronger since I’d arrived and she was eating better. My brother who lives with her and is developmentally challenged tries hard but sandwiches just don’t make a healthy meal twice a day, everyday. I filled the freezer with nutritional meals for two hoping they will actually reheat them for dinner. I convinced my sister that it was time to consider outside help, a sitter to relieve her of some of the burden. Even 4 children in town are not able to juggle being there for her. I’d spent nearly every waking hour with her for four and a half days, I’d filled the freezer, I’d installed the railing, I’d seen her doctor, she had new shoes, clean clothes and been bathed. I felt I’d done everything I could in that short time. We’d spent many hours just talking as I cooked or cleaned or drove the car. I hugged and kissed her good-bye trying to remain upbeat more for her sake as I walked to the car. My sister forgot something and ran back in the house giving mom time to walk to the door, to look one more time. She stood there … not with a blank stare … but a forlorn look knowing it may be the last time she saw me. It wrenched my heart … the picture of her standing in that doorway looking so frail and lost will forever be etched in my mind.
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